Have I accomplished anything today? Not yet, not unless you count airing the house while I sat outside reading Lydia Syson’s Doctor of Love and eating chocolate biscuits to celebrate my forthcoming future mega-healthy eating plan. To the right you can see part of the outfit I wore to church yesterday. My favorite colour a la moment is red, but I LOVE red stockings. I waited years to find these and then I paid a lot for them. (They cost more then the rest of the outfit put together, though admitedly the shoes were second hand and I made the skirt from fabric I found at the market.) Red stockings bring to mind Louis XIV (one of my favorite dead-Frenchmen). He wore them for several paintings so I like to think of him parading about with red legs tout les temps, only his legs were covered with silk and mine with spun plastic…minor details. What you can’t see is how fat I am. They say photos add ten pounds. I subtracted ten pounds and then started crying because in my mind I’m not even remotely this fat. I know there are many people in the world who’d die to be only as fat as me, but for me, I’m too fat! If Madonna had my body the rest of the photos could be used as blackmail material! They look that awful and not just because I’m wearing an orange shirt.
I know…what was I thinking? I wore my hip length red rain coat for most of the day except for when I was in Nursery with the toddlers (they don’t care if I expose my fat arms – and I had to expose my arms because the coat is too tight to cross my arms or pick up little people). I should have worn a different shirt, but the red one was obscenely tight…the blue and pink ones in the wash…the green one too warm…the white one too long…it had to be the orange one. It’s just as well I didn’t know how stupid I looked ’till after I got home. The next time I ask the Goblin, “Does this look alright?” After he says…”It’s fine…hurry up we’re going to be late.” I’ll go and change into something else!
So today I decided I must make an effort to go walking every day (I was too tired to walk today and not because of the effort of lifting cookies). I must also eat healthy which means no cookies for at least a few weeks until I visit my friend Debbie Webbie. She’s had a really awful week and she may need me to bring over some cookies and I wouldn’t want to disapoint her (that would be cruel). The reason I didn’t go walking today was that I was exhausted from walking yesterday. Truly, I was exhausted…I’m still fighting off a cold. Truly!
After waving the Goblin off to work I should have gone back to bed, but I stayed up reading blogs and the news. By the time I was ready to go back to bed it was one o’clock and I had to go to the store to get the Goblin some dinner (I just happened to pass down the cookie aisle). So I came home and sat outside reading Love Doctor until it started to get cold and then went back inside to read some more news.
I needed to read the news like I need another donut, but today I did gather several gems which made me laugh. This morning it was reported that hopefuls for the next series of America’s Next Top Model not only camped outside all night hoping for an audition with Tyra Banks, but at some point a car backfired and one of them yelled bomb and another yelled fire and the “models” all stampeded leaving shoes everywhere…several fainting from hunger… If you’re ever depressed (though not if you’re depressed about being fat) I recommend watching multiple episodes of America’s Next Top Model. If you watch it as a comedy, it’s very funny. The only person who gains anything from the show is Tyra Banks who appears in more outfit changes then all the other girls combined. My favorite episode was where the “models” were made to walk down this “runway” which consisted of floating unstable
squares in a pool…they were all dolled up in these long dresses and they were all seriously trying to parade over this booby-trapped runway to music…they all ended up falling into the pool…and then Tyra Banks gave them all a lecture about how disapointed she was and how real models have to be able to perform no matter what (or whatever she said as if models can walk on water). The serious looks on their faces and then all the tears afterwards…it was hilarious!
The next article of interest was about these scientists who’ve discovered (surprise surprise) that a high IQ is linked with longevity. So people who are more intelligent tend to live longer. This shouldn’t surprise anyone whose heard of The Darwin Awards! You can only win a Darwin Award by permantently removing yourself from the gene pool, usually in a spectacularly stupid manner. It’s difficult to believe that anyone whose won a Darwin Award had a high IQ. I personally hope to live ’till I’m 100, but after all my near death misses (the time I nearly slid off the side walk in front of a moving bus comes to mind) I suspect my not so high IQ will probably ensure that I don’t. Thankfully I believe in Heaven so if I get hit by a bus staring at the sky while crossing the road the prospect of never having another toothache will make death almost bearable unless I end up in Hell. Since it would be my corner of Hell I’d probably end up sharing space with Horace Walpole. I find it hard to believe he ever said a single pleasant word about anyone. He took cynism to a new height! If he wasn’t available I’d probably end up stuck with the Frenchman le Duc de Saint-Simon. He was vile…heartless. His deliberate lies about LouisXIV and his family are still believed and taught as fact. What he did to le Duc du Main was evil.
He found it exquisitely pleasurable; it was his finest hour to watch Main (Louis XIV’s eldest bastard son) be stripped of his legitimacy and honour. Historically, for a Frenchman, to lose one’s honour was worse than losing one’s head! Hopefully, if I get hit by a bus I’ll avoid Hell or anything like unto it and if I’m wrong and neither Hell nor Heaven exists I shall at least be avoiding further teeth trials and that has to count for something.
In the mean time I’ll utilize the IQ that I do have to remain out of the path of moving vehicles. That time I nearly slid off the side walk…that wasn’t my fault. I was in London and it was raining and my friend Julie was going to have fish and chips for dinner or die. The side walk (or pavement as they call it in England) on the Strand was covered in some sort of oil that I didn’t see…I swear I nearly had a heart attack as I slipped like lighting towards the busy street…and then I miraculously just stopped before reaching the edge as the large red bus flew by and I took a deep breath before carefuly sliding the other way to saftey. Death has to wait; I have stories to write, books to read and cookies and donuts to eat (in-between my mega-healthy eating plan of course).
Note to self: Don’t ask the Goblin to take your picture if none of your shirts fit…the camera will add twenty pounds and ruin a pleasant afternoon you could have spent reading the news or eating cookies!